Why God?

Things change so much in this freak show called life. Ideals, beliefs, trusts, friendship.. does any one of these words hold any true meaning in the context of today? Why do religious books ask you to always speak truth? Why do parents teach their children to be honest? Why do the teachers in school tell u that come what may, never loose faith on God, treat people gently, care for them, value your friendship. Does any one in this world care even a hoot for any one? Do they really care for any one? Or is it just some chemical reaction that goes inside in your brain that is triggered when you feel attracted, excited to meet a person - some thing that dies away along with the excitation. What are we humans living for God? And why did you unearth the emotional side of me, after almost a decade.. only to insult it, hurt it and ridicule it again. Why does it keep on happening to me, again and again, again and again, again and again. What bloody wrong did I do in my last birth.. whose price I just keep on paying through out this sad, sick life of mine. Why did you make me born? And why can't you just end it? I wish I was in Taj or Oberoi this weekend. Am too coward to take my own life.. An external intervention was all that I needed.

With a lot of hope I started this blog, some times last year. After long years of struggle with the mind, long years of chasing the dreams, long years of hard work I was reaching a state of mind where I was finally ready to face the world with a big heart and make friends - some thing that I always ran away from since childhood. In fact I even made a great friend in college. It was as if You who was telling me - come child, your punishment is finally over, you can start living a normal life from now on. And I was so happy! For the first time I felt that with the advent of a new year, I will start life afresh, meet new people, make friends and live a happy normal life.. full of friends who I care about and who do care for me. Never had the love and warmth of a Grandpa, never knew how it feels to be loved by uncles and aunties, had no siblings either.. Thankfully I had a loving and caring parents around.. and that was about it.. it was all I had. As a child a human being needs all these to grow up normally.. u almost gave me one.. but then took her away right away in school.. Why God?

Why this complete void of love, care, trust and belief you want to create around me God? I seldom complain to you about anything. I last complained to you when I was going through the intense pain in Barasat. My parents were not happy. I was reeling in the intense pain that started on my eyes and kept on piercing my skull. Why do I have to go through all these? Why me? Why only my family? I never ask for symathy from any one accept you.. Are you too busy to ever hear a single cry from my side? If my life was programmed to be so lonely, so much without any love and care and happiness, you could have atleast kept me a heartless human being. You really did not have to unleash all the punishment in a single life you know.. it hurts.. am tired of going through all this pain. Did I not do any good deeds in my entire life?

Or was all the good deeds I did accountable for only the five months of happiness I went through since june?? Dont I deserve any happiness God? Am I that bad a person? Never cursed a single line to the person who broke a green heart of mine in teenage days.. never conspired against any one.. and I really do not remember that that I had intentionally hurt any person just for the sake of it.. So why God? Why cant I deserve a little faith? A little trust? Why do you teach us to speak our hearts, accept our mistakes? The world does not trust any one God.. Its full of so many bad people that they just wont believe anyone. Amidst the bad people, the ones that really want to good are misunderstood, and assaulted, and humiliated and punished. You should come here sometimes God.. I think you will feel that there is a need to edit your preaching.

Why me? Why again? What wrong did I do to deserve this? I never did hide any thing from my friend, whatever I felt in my heart, good or bad, I always disclosed to my friend. I trusted my fiend's faith on me. I never wanted to lie to her. Friendship can not be based on any lies. I always tried my best to abide by it. Still why God? Why did my friend not believe me. Why did you bring out my emotional side and let it get humiliated, beaten and battered to death. Where do I again gather the strengths to rise up again? What joy do you get to make me go through all of this? If I deserve so much of pain.. better end this lowly life.. That would be a just mercy.