The first post of 2009.

I was on leave since 31st night. I welcomed the new year silently in my cubicle. It was not that I HAD to do it. I could have left the desk at around 11pm. I was anyway too drained to do any work after that. But I decided to stay back. I wanted to welcome the new year sitting in my cubicle. I know I do not quite enjoy my life at Kyocera. Its not quite the same as Wipro. Life at Wipro in general and ITPL in particular was vibrant. It used to breathe life. I had so many friends out there. Working out late was fun. You would work for the team happily and stay late happily for them. Its not quite the same here. Global village is pretty dull and colorless place to work. I know that compared to the hip and urban and international life style of ITPL any place will feel dull and boring. But there is a mundane air around global village. A place situated almost in the middle of a desert. Well in a indigenous village actually. There is no direct transport to the place, there are no good restaurants nearby. The whole place just sucks.

So why did I stayed at office and welcomed new year from there? I do not enjoy the ambience here. I miss my pals at Wipro. I miss the rocking life of ITPL. I miss the ITPL morning shuttles. I miss people like Anish, Raksheshji, Sanjeevji, Madhu, Georji, Soumya. I miss my life at Motorola ODC. I totally hate my life at work in Kyocera. So why did I?

To be frank, I have not grasped it totally why. Things that our subconscious mind decides is pretty tough for us to analyze. I guess why I did it was because I wanted to tell myself that its okay to be NOT-SO-HAPPY always. I know its a little too complex to explain or understand. But believe me, I know what I am speaking. Over the last couple of days I have been doing a lot of soul-searching. It is of the same level as I used to do while I was in class eleven and twelve. These days I have been mourning the loss of a friend from my life. A person who was special in my heart. Someone whom I loved and cared for more than me. Someone who made me feel like I felt long long time back. Loosing a person I love was never easy for me. In any case I am a little sulking guy. And well, lets face it, a little pessimistic at times too. So when I lost such a person again, I got a little scared.

I was really not very sure how to handle things again. Well on one hand I was not really liking the ambience at my work. To make matters worse, I got shouted and misunderstood and abused and even cursed by the person whom I cared and loved so much. I really had to do some soul searching to get things in control u see.

Thankfully God was there with me this time around. Thinking about Kyocera, one part of me kind of shouted - "Hey you can not get everything in life dude, God can not give you ALL". Yeah.. that was correct. I mean I really did put three things on highest priority while deciding on a move-on to Kyocera -

1. Work experience on LTE

2. Exposure to product development life cycle

3. Higher salary

Here I was, having all the three. So why now crib about the life at kyocera? There was no point doing so was there? That thought started the chain reaction of putting everything into perspective for me. What do I want from life? Do I want a life of Meaning or a life of Happiness? As much as all of us want to have the best of both the worlds, its not always possible. For the time being a life of Happiness would have to give way to the life of MEANING. Kyocera is not something I hav to carry on with me for the rest of my life. Its just a phase of my life. An experience I wanted to have, to give my professional life some meaning. I have to show respect to that wish.

For the other big tragedy. Well strangely I was not that remorseful. Thankfully I was not cheated this time. That does not lessen the pain of getting ruthlessly abused and even cursed by the person you love, though. But I can handle this. I mean, my own relatives had a past of hurting me and my family. I saw one of my dad's best friend cheating my dad and making unethical use of our house. You put trust on people and they betray you. When that happens, in a way you tend to get angry at yourself. I get angry for trusting that person. You get angry of the moments of closeness you felt with that person, and then realizing that it was all FAKE. Me and my parents could not handle that. We had to leave Barasat. I could not handle that. I still run away from Durgapur. Compared to that, this is manageable. Here I was, putting FRIENDSHIP and TRUST and CARE above my personal feelings. In return I get lack of trust, abuse, curse. So whose fault, whose shortcoming was it? Surely not mine. I promised her something back in the starry nights of july,2008. Lord knows I gave my best, everything I could to abide by that. If the opposite person is not sensible and understanding enough to give respect to that, its her problem. Isn't it? As of me, I am so glad to have gone through the last six months. For one, I realized that a heart which was torn in the teen age days has actually grown green. It has not forgotten the emotions that make our make life so colorfull. Feelings like love, friendship. I realized that I have the capability to again love a girl. I know I kept my promise. I know I am a GOOD PERSON. Curses, abuses, misunderstandings of a person whose life is in shambles right now is not going to change that.

So what that her heart did not have the capability to trust you Shaan? So what if she could never see you beyond the mere fact that you were in love with her? So what if she feels that when you LOVE someone, you demand things? So what if she does not realize that the real celebration of LOVE is not in TAKING, but in GIVING. So what? Will that take away the facts? NO. It is not.

I will cherish 2008. It made me take some bold decisions. If I look back at last year and thing about my personal life, two moments stand out. I remember the day when I decided to call a shot and get out of my comfort zone at Wipro. I knew I had built up a good reputation at Wipro. Securing the third position during the training, getting rated "Exceeds Expectation" in both 1st and 2nd year, being in the good book of managers. I was secure. But the little GEEKY engineer in me wanted to go out of that zone and explore other possibilities, I wanted to taste some other things. So I decided to come to Kyocera. I also remember the day when I wrote a small letter to a cute friend of mine, a person I knew barely for a month then. I knew I was a lil stuck on her. I was not sure that the torn heart of mine would be able to cope up. Won't I start pretending to her? Will I be able to take a blow if I do not get my love reciprocated? Am I strong and mature enough to handle that? Will I be able to put FRIENDSHIP first. I was not sure I could. I wrote a letter in regret saying that we should not talk again - I have problems of my own. But right after I pressed the "send" button, a feeling struck me that I am going to lament for the rest of my life that I did not let my mind get okay. So I decided to have a go at this. Somehow I convinced her to neglect that letter. Today, when I am at the receiving end of her abuses, I am not sorry for me. I do not feel fear about how I am going to cope with this. I do not lament my decision. I gave it my all. I was always honest about my feelings to her. I know that. Lord knows that. My heart does not have to take shelters with the fear of getting hurt by others. It still believes in LOVE. Puts the other person ahead all the times. It has grown up, it has grown green.

What more could I have asked for from 2008? Gosh I got goosebumps.. never thought I could be thinking maturely.. not so much :) 2009 has also started in a good note..touchwood. Got myself a Canon SX110-IS camera. My first attempt towards cultivating the long-nourished desire of pursuing digital photography :) This is something my heart has wished for sometime now. Lets do it! :) Got a cool sweat shirt as well. Ohh and yes, yesterday sent a cute gift to Sndp and bulu.. its a movie called "Seven Pounds". If you are reading this and have not seen it yet, go watch it!

Well thats it for today then. First post of 2009. Wonder where I will be same time next year. We will see that wont we? :) I pray to You, GOD, to please keep blessing my parents. I pray to You, GOD, to please keep me healthy, strong, compassionate and wise. I pray to You, GOD, to please allow me to keep looking after my parents and caring for my friends in the best way possible. I pray to You, GOD, for my country men. I pray that there will no war between us and pakistan. I pray that Peace and Humanity and Sensibility win over all Odds.

I pray to You, GOD, to please put a smile on each of our face, all though 2009.

I LOVE YOU GOD. Thank you for looking after me so much.